Ok way for me to fall off the face of the earth. But I think you can give me a break this time since I was busy trying to be an adult. We have been in our new house for over 2 weeks now and I LOVE IT. It is probably a good thing I took a break from blogging in the last stages of house buying because you would have been subject to some seriously bitchy rants that would have had me admitted somewhere. I don’t know how I kept a job or a husband. I am thinking it was the vodka. 

So besides fucking Barb trying with all of her power to keep me homeless, we made it to closing!! It was the first time we met the sellers and they were fucking INSANE. I could not get out of there fast enough to start working on our house. Because I forgot to mention… this lady must have had a hoarders level of cats in that house. I am not surprised anymore after I saw her in all her blue eye shadow glory, but still. Anyway, this bitch made sure we had some serious work to do. All the cat pee rugs, rusted out vents and molding had to go. Nothing like a little impromptu renovation. I dont know how this lady didn’t end up finding a flat smashed cat when she moved out. 

DO YOU SEE THIS. How many animals did she have?! I. Can’t. Even. 

If you wanted to die a horrible gas chamber death you could just stand in our garage for 3 minutes. One upside is I got to go to the dump! Not the disgusting furniture store but the actual dump. I have a weird obsession with construction  vehicles and the dump has the BEST crunchy truck with massive spikes on the wheels. I really could have done without the birds though. My bird phobia kicked in HARD and really tainted my dump experience. 

Those are the lovely pee stains I spoke of. These cats or dogs or whatever piss monster lived here went hard AF. Idk if you have ever removed a carpet but there are 100000000 corresponding staples to remove. GUESS WHO GOT THAT JOB??? 

So after all my bitching I came out of this experience with some very useful tips for 1st time home buyers. I definitely could have used them. 

  1. BE REALISTIC
    • I am the definition of I get what I want by all means. But I am so thankful I had a husband to talk some sense into me. Sure, maybe you can afford a $2000 a month mortgage but do you really want to live off of Ramen for the rest of your life? Or never go on a vacation? It is so tempting to look at beautiful houses slightly out of your range. I annoyed the shit out of my realtor with houses I wanted to see that were not quite what we could afford. So before you get WAY too excited about man caves, sun rooms and hot tubs… make sure you are looking within your means.
  2. GET ALL OF YOUR DOCS IN ORDER
    • The mortgage company will want every detail of your financial, work and personal life. Be prepared to hand over bank statements, tax returns, letters of explanation, and work verifications. If you have never applied for a mortgage this is something you need to look into. Ask questions and don’t feel bad about it. The mortgage guy is there to help so if you don’t understand something ask. Be specific and ask EXACTLY what they need from you.
  3. ASK FOR ADVICE
    • I am the most stubborn, hard headed, bitchy person to deal with. But I realized FAST that I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I am the kind of person who looks at a house and decides I am immediately moving in. I don’t look at things like outlets, updated electric, appliance, roof, and windows… which are things I literally just asked my husband about. But, don’t be afraid to enlist the help of friends, husbands, dads, moms, realtors you trust or just brutally honest people. 
  4. ENLIST YOUR MOVING HELP EARLY
    • Honestly, no one wants to help you move. Even if you are their best friend, they will make up something to do. So try to trick your friends early and bribe hard. Just kidding. Kind of. Ask family and friend with notice, trade, bribe and promise favors in return. Be thankful, provide food beer and music, and make sure you return the favor when they need help. You ALWAYS have more stuff than you think. It’s just science. 
  5. PRIORITIZE YOUR PROJECTS
    • It is so easy to get overwhelmed with the excitement of having your own house. It is easy to have 23598723 ideas. It is easy to start them ALL and then realize…. all of this takes money. Prioritize your projects and finish them one at a time. For us, the main floor was important. The living room, kitchen dining room and den are where people will be hanging out. So that is where we started! No one should be in my bedrooms way, so they can wait. 

Guess what. Even after all the shit we have gone through to get this house, I love it SO MUCH. I cant even believe it’s real. 

Also! You can see a name change has been made! Still me, I just want to be able to write about a wider variety of things! So if you want to find me – 

Instagram: @elysenshaw (some high school twat has @elyseshaw of course)

Snapchat: Elyseshaw

See you soon bitches. 

 

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